wwwd? part dos.

ive been thinking tonight about my post a couple of days ago... and what skills im trying to use to maybe like cope with that shit... and i do think that a lot of it is shit that needs to be processed with b, but something that i can do without sitting in her freezing icebox of an office is validatevalidatevalidate.  oh how proud she would be if she knew that i was trying to validate so we could have less of those little bd moments.

here we go.
in group on tuesday we had a discussion about validation and why its important and stuff (if you need a refresher click here ) so lets practice.

emotions are dumb.
-----------> challenge: emotions are hard and confusing and sometimes anxiety provoking to be asked to feel when you have been taught that they arent okay to have.

anything but smiling is just dumb and shows that i am a weak person.
-----------> challenge: it feels confusing to people when i am smiling all the time, but, that doesnt match the feeling on the inside so when i finally get around to actually crying people feel confused about whats going on.

the last one is what feels the most hard for me.
letting people see my true emotions? WAHHH?? are you smoking crack? HAAA this is why there are drugs and alcohol in the world... okay so maybe in my world.

only one time have i almost cried while in session with b... well, more should i say that i let myself come close to crying. now i just say that something is dumb or i dont know... or something stupid like silence which i know she knows is just a cover up because we both get quiet and its like we are both impatiently waiting for it... the one little tear. i felt embarassed when i almost let myself go once... i dont remember what it was about... but i just remember telling her that i thought that i was going to cry and it almost came and i sucked it up and took a huge ass breath and her comment afterwards was "what happened? you said you were going to cry... where did it go?"

one day soon, i will cry in the ice box.... and it will be okay because she will be there and wont judge or laugh or tell me that i need something real to cry about.