the dbt diaries

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

&lights will guide you home and ignite your bones; i will try and fix you

hi youve reached the confidential voicemail of dr ------ -------- psychologist with dbt program. please leave your name and number and i will get back to you. if you are a current dbt client and are in urgent need of phone consultation you maybe page me at --- --- ----. please keep in mind i am out of the office on wednesdays and am likely to return calls the folowing day. thank you. beeeeep.

hi youve reached the confidential voicemail of dr ------ -------- psychologist with the dbt program. please leave your name and number and i will get back to you. if you are a current dbt client and are in urgent need of phone consultation you may page me at --- --- ----. please keep in mind i am out of the office on wednesdays and am likely to return calls the following day. thank you. beeeeep.

hey this is ------. leave your shit. beeeeep.

hi youve reached ----- or --- -- as some people call me. uhmm leave a message i will return your call as soon as i can. kayyy. bye. beeeep

hey, youve reached ---- --------. I'm not here right now, so leave me a message. beeeeeep.
*

its ------. leave a message. beeeeeep.

hi youve reached the confidential voicemail of dr ------ -------- psychologist with the dbt program. please leave your name and number and i will get back to you. if you are a current dbt client and are in urgent need of phone consultation you maybe page me at --- --- ----. please keep in mind i am out of the office on wednesdays and am likely to return calls the folowing day. thank you. beeeeep.

hi. youve reached the voicemail of l. im not available to take your call now. leave a message and i will you back soon. bye. beeeeep.

breathe.

just breathe.
just breathe.
just breathe.
just breathe.
just breathe.
just breathe.
just breathe.
just breathe.
---- -------.

dear b,
im sorry i hide how im really feeling. im sorry i build a wall and show you nothing when im sinking like the titanic on the inside. i know im supposed to trust you and not be afraid to show you what it really feels like, but, i cant. this time its just too hard. this time, it's not worth it. this time, i feel dead on the inside. i cant sleep because i see it happening. i cant walk down the street without thinking if he is behind me. you told me that one day i can find happiness, and feel grounded again. that i will be okay, that i will smile again. but i dont think so. not now. i will be dark for the rest of my days here. it will always hurt to breathe from now on.
im sorry again.
l.

Monday, September 12, 2011

talktalktalktalk

thats what it feels like needs to happen. just get all this shit out and not have to sort it out again. never bring it up again, just word vomit it out right this second. maybe then...
the nightmares will stop.
the movie in my head will stop.
the distraction will stop.
so hopefully; i can breathe again.

im dirty. im a failure. im undeserving. im a whore. im a slut. im a drug seeking kid. i have problems. i will do anything to get high. im alone. i will always be alone.
so please, leave me alone.

Friday, September 9, 2011

&i hate this part right here

how many ways can you think of saying no? no thank you, thats okay, not right now, nahh...
sometimes though, people dont understand no, so body language helps out. moving away, lack of eye contact, crossed arms, wild crazy eyes, scrunched up face, rolling eyes, walking away.

what if someone doesnt respect your no? what if they go ahead anyway? what if what you try to do isnt enough? do you just give up and give in; stop fighting back and let it happen, or, do you scream, kick, yell, hit, try to break free?

i just give up.
let it happen.
stop fighting.
go limp.

but now it hurts to breathe.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

wwwd? part dos.

ive been thinking tonight about my post a couple of days ago... and what skills im trying to use to maybe like cope with that shit... and i do think that a lot of it is shit that needs to be processed with b, but something that i can do without sitting in her freezing icebox of an office is validatevalidatevalidate. oh how proud she would be if she knew that i was trying to validate so we could have less of those little bd moments.

here we go.
in group on tuesday we had a discussion about validation and why its important and stuff (if you need a refresher click here ) so lets practice.

emotions are dumb.
-----------> challenge: emotions are hard and confusing and sometimes anxiety provoking to be asked to feel when you have been taught that they arent okay to have.

anything but smiling is just dumb and shows that i am a weak person.
-----------> challenge: it feels confusing to people when i am smiling all the time, but, that doesnt match the feeling on the inside so when i finally get around to actually crying people feel confused about whats going on.

the last one is what feels the most hard for me.
letting people see my true emotions? WAHHH?? are you smoking crack? HAAA this is why there are drugs and alcohol in the world... okay so maybe in my world.

only one time have i almost cried while in session with b... well, more should i say that i let myself come close to crying. now i just say that something is dumb or i dont know... or something stupid like silence which i know she knows is just a cover up because we both get quiet and its like we are both impatiently waiting for it... the one little tear. i felt embarassed when i almost let myself go once... i dont remember what it was about... but i just remember telling her that i thought that i was going to cry and it almost came and i sucked it up and took a huge ass breath and her comment afterwards was "what happened? you said you were going to cry... where did it go?"

one day soon, i will cry in the ice box.... and it will be okay because she will be there and wont judge or laugh or tell me that i need something real to cry about.

Friday, September 2, 2011

wwwd?

what would wally do, i think that it has a nice ring to it; it was b's idea.... lets run with it.
okay, so i know hate is a strong word but, in the whole part of my soul this is an appropriate time to use it... i hate emotions. i just dont understand the purpose of them. they are messy like melty ice cream on a cone and confusing like quantum physics, and just frankly get in the way of everything. but here is the winner, i think that emotions are dumb. yup, im a huge invalidator, so lets just start dinging that bowl now...

i think though wally [my kick ass grandpa] has it right. it doesnt make sense to be excited or happy or sad. it doesnt change how fast you get over it or how much more quick it comes... you are still stuck in that moment no matter how you feel. i think he is just working on a hard core version of extreme radical acceptance, but, b probs wouldnt agree.

i do however, know where it all comes from....
from the time i was little, i learned that it is wrong to feel a certain way. that crying when you feel sad means that whatever reason you were doing it, it just isnt good enough so you deserve the if you keep crying, then i will give you something to cry about; but, then, you cry more because youre just a little tard who is confused. soon enough though you will have your new reason to be crying... your ass hurts.

through time, you will learn how to stop feeling almost completely; because feelings and emotions are irrelevant. the interesting thing about that is just because you say you didnt feel it, you do... and the emotions and feelings almost haunt you.

nothing is real.
your mom doesnt shoot up down the hall from your bedroom. she doesnt toke when youre making a sandwich only a earshot away [the hissing when you inhale on a pipe still puts me back to those moments], your electricity isnt out its just some new game she has for the two of you, your dad never hits or other things.... expecially those other things because its how all dads love their girls, those bruises and black eyes, well you see, you were playing catch with your sibs and you just forgot to catch.

you start to teach yourself how to feel, or more of how to forget what you are feeling. mostly everything just turns into anger... youre mad at yourself, youre mad at your parents, youre mad at your friends parents for not saving you, youre mad at your teacher, youre mad at the stupid cashier for letting you use your moms debit card to buy groceries when youre seven. the whole fucking world is meant to be mad at, after all, they wont ever understand what it is like to be you. being mad doesnt make sense so you smile.... because nobody likes to see a sad little girl.

you make your first lines of understanding with a mechanical pencil. after all, words are useless and you cant describe anything to anyone good enough so they understand... so that they believe you... so that they can save you. maybe you can cry then too... because it is proof written in your skin. it is tangible, and real... the marks are on your skin for the world to see. but that was never enough.... mechanical pencils turn into butter knives, and those turn into scalples... after all, your grandpa wont remember that they are hidden in the top drawer of his desk under the bills and stamps.

your have been taught that it is not okay to just have any feelings. you need to have a tangible reason for why you are crying or mad, frustrated or happy. there is no best of both worlds crap; sorry hannah montanah, youre a liar.

happiness damn near destroys you
breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
so you tell yourself, thats enough for now
happiness has a violent roar
-the fray

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Group: use validation as a last word

tonights group was good... interesting.
im happy and excited for any and all topics on validation since i suck at it so much!
my probs would be that i feel so undeserving of any help i would get for validating a moment. i feel like i should be able to sort shit out on my own... PSHHHYEAHH im my dreams.

shit, bowl dinger moment...
uhh correction: validation is a hard thing for me right now, but in time it will become easier with help from b and practicing it.

my favourite thing i learned tonight was when one of the members offered advice [which i feel sketchy about taking since she is afterall in group too, but it turned out good] in response to my statement of feeling like if i validate particular members of my fambam then im giving into them and letting them win. winning is important to me. the first question b asked me was what is winning... and then the other group member offered up that thinking in my head of validation of the fambam would be the last word. it would come from my mouth so basically i would win is how i see it. im all for winning.

i suppose i should reflect on the question of what winning is to me.... i have always thought that it was getting the last word in, talking the loudest, having my input be atleast heard. but im learning that there is no "winning" in a discussion. that i can make the last word become a validation of how they are feeling, that my input deserves to be listened to instead of just heard.