Group: use validation as a last word

tonights group was good... interesting.
im happy and excited for any and all topics on validation since i suck at it so much!
my probs would be that i feel so undeserving of any help i would get for validating a moment. i feel like i should be able to sort shit out on my own... PSHHHYEAHH im my dreams.

shit, bowl dinger moment...
uhh correction: validation is a hard thing for me right now, but in time it will become easier with help from b and practicing it.

my favourite thing i learned tonight was when one of the members offered advice [which i feel sketchy about taking since she is afterall in group too, but it turned out good] in response to my statement of feeling like if i validate particular members of my fambam then im giving into them and letting them win. winning is important to me. the first question b asked me was what is winning... and then the other group member offered up that thinking in my head of validation of the fambam would be the last word. it would come from my mouth so basically i would win is how i see it. im all for winning.

i suppose i should reflect on the question of what winning is to me.... i have always thought that it was getting the last word in, talking the loudest, having my input be atleast heard. but im learning that there is no "winning" in a discussion. that i can make the last word become a validation of how they are feeling, that my input deserves to be listened to instead of just heard.

feelings and how they felt.

today in sesh b and i decided that i need to figure out how feelings really feel. i find this kinda funny because who would know that feelings are actually felt with the soul? NOT ME.

after my appointment today my frand devon and i went for a drive to pick up her new horse riding helmet. on our way there i was frustrated because the music was lame.
frustration felt like

• knot in my stomach
• flood of anger
• fast heartbeat
• clenched fists.

then we went back to her house and her momma was home for lunch. i hadnt met her mom before and was feelings really anxious and nervous.
anxious felt like

• sweaty palms
• pit in stomach

nervous felt like

• loss for words
• fidgity
• knot in stomach

but then, devon wanted to go and try out her new helmet and i was all up for getting out of more awkward mom meetings. i got to cheer her on while she was jumping her horse douf. i felt happy, excited anxious and nervous
these felt like

• pit in stomach
• permasmile
• laughter
• adrenaline

this is just too much feeling for today, so im going to go and veg out.

Group: interpersonal effectiveness

we did a super legit exercise my first night in group.... OH HOW IM SO EXCITED TO BE STARTING WHERE I AM!

so far, what i can understand from it is that most of these things are like core beliefs. they are not facts, but only thoughts made over time.

my biggest ones that i find true for myself are

i dont deserve to get what i want or need.
if i make a request, this will show that i am a very weak person.
i mist be really inadequate if i cant fix this myself.
it doesnt make any difference, i dont really care.
i should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.

eventually, i think that i will learn how to challenge them... or atleast thats what the binder says, and maybe even one day i will believe the challenged side of things...
just maybe.